I've been drinking too much. That sentence sounds more dramatic than the reality: I've been drinking little, maybe the equivalent of two beers, but every day for the past few weeks. I shouldn’t think too much about it, I know, but it’s unsettling. I’m watching my bad habits closely, lest they turn into addictions. It's probably the smoking.
It's still dark as I write this. My days have been erratic, largely fueled by an existential angst that drives me to be at least a little productive. I’m not terribly motivated, so I’m not creating as much as I was when we worked on our last project together. Its sole purpose is to combat my feelings of uselessness. Have you ever felt so utterly useless that you thought there couldn't possibly be any good coming from your work? I don't want to say that's how I feel, but that's how I feel.
Objectively speaking I know I've done some things, of course. But my portfolio is full of useless toys, and now I’ve spent a full two months building more useless toys. That's not what scares me: what scares me is that I don’t feel like building anything but useless toys. My gag reflex triggers at the word “project”.
I don’t think I'll come back to the company. I don’t think it would be in the best interest of any of us. I’ve enrolled in a graduate program. I’m not thrilled to go back to university and be surrounded by people who think they know more than they do—wouldn’t I just fit perfectly into that crowd?—, but it seems better than any of the other options. It certainly seems better than any new “projects”—gag—or “businesses”—gag.
It’s not the first time I've let you down. I hope that you can forgive me in time. You’re my friend, and I hate doing business with you, because all of the moves that have an impact on our business relationship feel like they could damage our friendship. I don’t want to let you down constantly. You know you have my utmost loyality. But I feel like loyality is not the path to take right now.
The coffee around here is pretty good. I haven’t really sat in a coffee shop during the week to work in a really long time. The coldbrew is killer.